October 2018

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THE SHORT, UNHAPPY LIFE OF CAPTAIN NECKBEARD

October 8, 2018
10-8-18-01

Unlike many ship figureheads, apparently these pirates opted for a pillow tied to the stern.

It has been exactly one sennight since the sinking of the Lady M’lady, and with it the loss of Limsa Lominsa’s most pathetic crew of pirates. Unsurprisingly, while others make a show of mourning the loss of the crew out of politeness, The Crucible is the only publication which dares to write the full story.

10-8-18-02

Picture: one of the most pathetic ‘ships’ in the city of Limsa Lominsa.

The Lady M’lady was first constructed shortly after the commencement of the Seventh Astral Era. The ship itself started with the intent of being a place for the outcasts of Lominsan society (and I implore you to imagine someone so pathetic they’re not even good enough for that shithole) to find a home, led by their pathetic captain. While The Crucible has discovered his birthname to be “Klindiskriba”, to all others he was known by the moniker Captain Neckbeard, on account of his tendency to so frequently lose fights that he was constantly either bruised or bloody and complain about this fact while simultaneously never doing anything to better himself in any way, instead wanting the world to change around him to accommodate his strange and oftentimes pathetic ideas.

10-8-18-03

Look at him. Look at his neckbeard. Does he dye it?

Indeed, Neckbeard created a cesspit of like-minded individuals. Despite their constant bemoaning of their failures (and the clear fact many became pirates out of a misguided and frankly childish hope it would earn them attention), Neckbeard’s crew failed to set sail for multiple consecutive summers. Growing so insular, and leaving their ship less and less, they adopted their own bizarre dialect of Lominsan “speech” which somehow makes even less sense than the norm. Indeed, those who had the displeasure of speaking with them reported that if one were able to penetrate their tendency to start most nouns with a tacked-on and halfhearted “Arrrr”, the only thing to be gleaned from anything the crew had to say was that they blamed everyone else but themselves for their myriad problems.

10-8-18-04

All of Limsa knows he’s a loser.

Eventually, considering them an eyesore (in a city in which the locals routinely shit in the street and allow beastmen to walk about), Limsa Lominsa’s Admiral Merlwyb Bloefhiswyn (who they referred to as “ArrrrBitchy Mum” and “ArrrrFemoid”, a term which is particularly baffling and childish) had enough of their freeloading. Indeed, she declared Neckbeard’s crew to be a nuisance, and declared them outside the protection of the law, as well as that giving them charity (as opposed to wages) was now a crime. This, at least, got Neckbeard moving. Faced with a choice of either departure or annihilation, the crew of the Lady M’lady set sail for a place they called the “Chad Islands.” Before you ask, no, there is no such place. Indeed, it seems in their insular nature, they completely invented the concept of the island.

10-8-18-05

Behold: the saddest sack of ‘pirates’.

Within a handful of nights, the Lady M’lady ran aground on a tiny island so small it had yet to be officially named. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone but themselves, they named the place their first and final voyage ended “Arrrrincel Island”, and there they all starved to death. The most keenly ironic part of their demise is that, had they been willing to merely swim to an island which on a clear day is entirely in sight of the place they died, they would have found themselves on the pleasure beach of Costa Del Sol at the same time as Gegeruju’s pre-Moonfire open-call orgy.

What a tragedy.

10-8-18-06

Yomiko Kusanagi finds this every bit as tragic as if someone came to her house and shot her in the face while simultaneously adopting her cat and giving him the best home imaginable.


ABOUT MAELSTROM RADIO, TO BE THERE AT LEAST IT’S NOT

October 5, 2018
10-5-18-01

Um. What?

Maelstrom Radio is that ok with you guys and then the next day I will have to get. Thanks for your help me with this place he is the one that is the only way. Thanks. I’m not going. Established in Limsa Lominsa, I have Maelstrom Radio am not sure going to be. I’m not sure if I can make it to the meeting tonight but I will be there. Maelstrom Radio. The awful worst pirate radio tonight will you please let me just check it out when you start the new job? Thanks so much for all you do for the kids and I are going to go to the gym in the morning things are going good for you guys to come over for dinner?

10-5-18-02

Hey, has anyone seen Hawke lately?

Help me with the kids and I are going to the movies with me and I will be in touch soon to get a few things. Stroke clot in my life and I am not going to be able to make a payment on the check and the other two. Anthony Hawke is too cool to see the new Star is Born to be there at all.

10-5-18-03

I don’t know why he wanted me to ‘throw dice on a dodecahedron’. I don’t think he knows what that is?

I’m not sure if I can make it to the meeting tonight but I will be there at the same time as the next guy who is this please. I’m not sure how you feel better knowing you were able to make the trip and I’m going to try running without you in my life. HELPHELPHELPHELP.

10-5-18-04

I think some people came by the office looking for Hawke? I mean. That’s probably what the red paint was for.

We will see how much I can get Lee. Thanks again is a w w to get the eeewwww. Maelstrom Radio to be there by an elephant and I’m going to try.

Money in the grave and I don’t.

10-5-18-05

I’m gonna go look for Hawke.

Sunglass hair.

Anthony Hawke listened to episode 97 of Maelstrom Radio, featuring The Crucible. Have you? If so, this whole thing might make more sense to you.


THOUSANDS DEAD DUE TO THE “APP”; LEARN MORE ABOUT THE ALLAGAN DEVICE CONVERTING YOUR LIFE INTO MONEY ON DEMAND!

October 1, 2018

Allagan Power Payment.

The device taking Eorzea by storm, the dreaded and lauded APP. Promising infinite wealth, at a paltry sum - all you have to do is input how much time you wish to convert from the end of your life. It’s honestly a very efficient system, and the interface is lovely.

10-1-18-01

Now, there are other functions to the APP - it allows you to circumvent business permit requirements, it allows you to check market values on the fly, and even show people what you look like - but its primary purpose is directly turning time in your life into sweet, sweet cash.

10-1-18-02

There’s a few downsides, of course. People keep getting a taste of the wealth and dying prematurely. It turns out it doesn’t reduce your natural life, but your true life - one man died after a mere day’s input, and the next day his home burned down. So apparently it reduces your life span from the day that fate decides your death, and not a ‘natural’ lifespan. Oops.

10-1-18-03

Now I know what you’re thinking: why not make an Ala Mhigan do it? Finally they could be worth something. Finally they could have value. Finally they could contribute something to society. Well, that’s the problem. For some reason, as it turns out, they’re refusing to use the APP. Turns out you can sell an Ala Mhigan on working at subsistence wages for hard labor but you can’t get them to sell days off their life to you at less money than the APP would give them, and pretty much none are willing to trust an Ul’dahn device that saps their lifespan. What selfish monsters!

10-1-18-04

I tried everything - taking them out to get them drunk (Pipin still hasn’t answered my letters), dangling coin in front of them to get their attention (they won’t look down at me for long enough, the bastards), even taking them to the Gold Saucer (I thought for sure they were all gambling addicts, but clearly they’re pretending not to be to spite me). No dice!

10-1-18-05

Oh well. I’ll figure out a way to turn this thing into coin eventually. Just you wait!

Minaji Maji is reminded that legally speaking, advocating for the eradication of Ala Mhigans as a race, or otherwise calling for general harm based purely on their self-identity, is against company policy and grounds for termination, and that her expressed opinions regarding Ala Mhigans are both entirely meant as a jest and do not represent The Crucible. For legal reasons.