October 2018

THE SHORT, UNHAPPY LIFE OF CAPTAIN NECKBEARD

October 8, 2018
10-8-18-01

Unlike many ship figureheads, apparently these pirates opted for a pillow tied to the stern.

It has been exactly one sennight since the sinking of the Lady M’lady, and with it the loss of Limsa Lominsa’s most pathetic crew of pirates. Unsurprisingly, while others make a show of mourning the loss of the crew out of politeness, The Crucible is the only publication which dares to write the full story.

10-8-18-02

Picture: one of the most pathetic ‘ships’ in the city of Limsa Lominsa.

The Lady M’lady was first constructed shortly after the commencement of the Seventh Astral Era. The ship itself started with the intent of being a place for the outcasts of Lominsan society (and I implore you to imagine someone so pathetic they’re not even good enough for that shithole) to find a home, led by their pathetic captain. While The Crucible has discovered his birthname to be “Klindiskriba”, to all others he was known by the moniker Captain Neckbeard, on account of his tendency to so frequently lose fights that he was constantly either bruised or bloody and complain about this fact while simultaneously never doing anything to better himself in any way, instead wanting the world to change around him to accommodate his strange and oftentimes pathetic ideas.

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Look at him. Look at his neckbeard. Does he dye it?

Indeed, Neckbeard created a cesspit of like-minded individuals. Despite their constant bemoaning of their failures (and the clear fact many became pirates out of a misguided and frankly childish hope it would earn them attention), Neckbeard’s crew failed to set sail for multiple consecutive summers. Growing so insular, and leaving their ship less and less, they adopted their own bizarre dialect of Lominsan “speech” which somehow makes even less sense than the norm. Indeed, those who had the displeasure of speaking with them reported that if one were able to penetrate their tendency to start most nouns with a tacked-on and halfhearted “Arrrr”, the only thing to be gleaned from anything the crew had to say was that they blamed everyone else but themselves for their myriad problems.

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All of Limsa knows he’s a loser.

Eventually, considering them an eyesore (in a city in which the locals routinely shit in the street and allow beastmen to walk about), Limsa Lominsa’s Admiral Merlwyb Bloefhiswyn (who they referred to as “ArrrrBitchy Mum” and “ArrrrFemoid”, a term which is particularly baffling and childish) had enough of their freeloading. Indeed, she declared Neckbeard’s crew to be a nuisance, and declared them outside the protection of the law, as well as that giving them charity (as opposed to wages) was now a crime. This, at least, got Neckbeard moving. Faced with a choice of either departure or annihilation, the crew of the Lady M’lady set sail for a place they called the “Chad Islands.” Before you ask, no, there is no such place. Indeed, it seems in their insular nature, they completely invented the concept of the island.

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Behold: the saddest sack of ‘pirates’.

Within a handful of nights, the Lady M’lady ran aground on a tiny island so small it had yet to be officially named. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone but themselves, they named the place their first and final voyage ended “Arrrrincel Island”, and there they all starved to death. The most keenly ironic part of their demise is that, had they been willing to merely swim to an island which on a clear day is entirely in sight of the place they died, they would have found themselves on the pleasure beach of Costa Del Sol at the same time as Gegeruju’s pre-Moonfire open-call orgy.

What a tragedy.

10-8-18-06

Yomiko Kusanagi finds this every bit as tragic as if someone came to her house and shot her in the face while simultaneously adopting her cat and giving him the best home imaginable.